April 24, 2024

Wherever You Go There You Are

I'm so tired of the world I live in but I am also so tired of myself... All my thc carts are basically dead so I am feeling very moody and understimulated. The reality is I really need to take a break from thc because I feel like I overdid it with carts for a long time and now my tolerance is absolutely fucked. I smoked flower for the first time in a while recently and it felt soooo different. I think I want to try taking a break for a while and trying an anti depressant or mood stabilizer again. Something like lexapro or Wellbutrin. When I tried those medications in the past I was dealing with loss and grief, domestic abuse, and was in an abusive relationship so it's really hard to gage if and those medications actually affected psyche at the time. Things in life are still rough, but way less intense than they were before especially now that I have my own place and have a supportive partner. Smoking weed has helped a lot with calming me down when I experience emotional extremes, but I think it makes it harder for me to see the big picture or plan/make long term goals. Since I've cut back a bit recently (really just me running out lol) I've already started to notice me having a lot more hindsight than before and it has been driving me to make more long term goals like for housing, career, hobbies, finances, etc. I almost feel like how much I was smoking before was holding me back from doing real adulting. I had cut back on smoking significantly in 2019 but then after the pandemic it was just stress after stress after stress that lead me to intake more and more and more. I feel like I was really doomed once I started vaping thc because vaping is just way too convenient and it lead to me developing an oral fixation type of addiction that is sooo hard to break. I think it is important for me to keep trying to change and adjust my habits, though, so I can form more discipline and then I can apply that discpline in a variety of other areas in my life like career and art and stuff.
Also I will quickly comment on the alteraction that occured on my neocities profile involving comments containing racial slurs and the user who allowed it. In the end the OP ended up apologizing to me on behalf of their mutual who said the slur and for accusing me of "trying to start beef" by merely setting boundaries because I mf uhhhhhhhhhhhhh don't wanna deal with racism on a lil coding website. Truly feels like I ran the weird interaction speed run with that one. Is there no place on the internet that is truly safe for me? Is it my fault for having too high oof expectations and thinking I wouldnt see the hard r on my cute html website profile?? Is that too much to ask? Wild lol. Anyways thankfully neocities has a block button so I'm washing my hands of it. I am considering mirroring my site and actually hosting on neko web instead but I kind of really really like the "neocities" subdomain because it really gives old web webcore vibes lol. I am also considering just bookmarking sites that I like and mereling coming onto neocities to update my site and use the tags and "activity" section to find new sites. Idk it's nice seeing and getting comments on the social feed but at the same time do I really wanna risk seeing dumb drama or seeing slurs again?? Stuff I gotta really consider.
On a lighter, more positive note I had my besties come over recently and it was so much fun and made me feel so happy. So glad one of my friends is also into retro handhelds like me and she is actually the one who got me obsessed with the 3DS again! So grateful to have someone I can be a nerd with. I also told her about my interest in digicams and she not only found one for me at the thrift store but she also found an old one for herself too. Can't wait to take cute retro pics together!! Love sharing hobbies friends. My other friend is super talented with cosplay and taking amazing high quality photos and she inspires me so much!! Been trying to get even better at cinematic lighting, atmospheric backgrounds, and telling a color story with my shoots. It's so nice being able to talk about it with her. I learn so much from her and I love getting to share resources to help her too!! Last year I met a lot a bunch of new people I was hoping to get close with, but now don't talk to any of them anymore. Now I just want to keep my circles small and focus more on my own future and well being and showing love to the people who genuinely show love to me rather than people pleasing so much. I am so grateful for my friends and my amazing partner and I can't wait to go on fun adventures with this summer c:
xoxo bye for now~

Read more

April 12, 2024

New Hobbies and New Goals!! Also People are so fucking weird lmaooo >w>

Ever since I started playing video games more, going outside more, and focusing on personal projects I've been a lot happier... Since I started coding I've been feeling a lot more tech savvy and computer capable :3! Getting the hang of moving files around and organizing folders better gave me the confidence to modify my 3ds. Actually before that I started getting into gaming more because I added emulators to my phone! I have a folding phone so I felt inspired to start playing ds and gameboy games on it more. Playing pokemon and animal crossing on my phone brought me a level of joy and excitement I hadn't felt in a really really long time. The type of joy that made me really start to feel like I wasted a lot of my time trying to hangout and please others (especially in 2023) which has been a reoccurring thought tbh. Instead of feeling bad about feeling like I wasted my time I have been feeling excited about finding other and better ways to spend my time.
Playing with emulators made me realize there's so many games out there I never played before because I didn't have the money to buy them when they came out. But now I can download so many of them for free and I'm so happy and excited about it. As I'm typing this I realized the main catalyst for this was because I actually sold my ps4 for extra rent money a few months ago because I havent played on it in years.
Selling my ps4 made me go "oh shit i have a whole gaming pc" and so I started playing stardew valley more and adding more games to my steam wishlist. One thing led to another and I somehow got really into ds games and gameboy games again. Maybe it was the pixel art from stardew valley? Maybe it was seeing cute lowpoly art on pinterest idk. Anyways tldr I was feeling heart broken because of a bunch of sad friendship ending stuff that had happened before, but now I am feeling a lot better because I am playing video games and trying to spend more time with my real friends and family. Feeling well enough that maybe I will start streaming again at some point this year.
Also omfg I just gotta vent about this weird ass shit that happened yesterday. Out of the blue this person started dming me and @ing me on twitter trying to say I bullied them years ago and I copied the "succubus" username and aesthetic from them. I messaged them and tried to talk to them about it and asked for proof of me bullying them and they had none. I told them I had no recollection of this encounter and barely remember speaking to them before. I also told them when I was younger I did have a really bad attitude due to me getting bullied a lot so me being rude isnt out of the realm of possibility and if I said something rude that negatively impacted your mental health I am so sorry because that is so wrong and hypocritical. The conversation seemed to go okay after that and they deleted all the weird tweets they made @ me. But then it got weird because they admitted to reading a bunch of things about me online for a long long time and kept saying they felt like we were the same and kindred spirits and stuff and started talking to me about traumatic personal stuff they knew about me and talking about how they could relate and how they dont think i deserve to get bullied and all this other personal stuff 😬
Then they flipped the script and said they still felt like I was copying them because they think I didnt start doing succubus/demon girl type aesthetic until after I started talking to them in 2018. For context this is an extremely wild accusation because I have tattoos to match this aesthetic, a huge portion of my wardrobe is dedicated to this aesthetic, have bought several art pieces at various conventions with this aesthetic and have them hanging around my apartment, and even found succubus themed playlists I made and saved when I was a teenager. The real tea is I am a hypersexual degenerate girl who grew up in a jehovah witness family and let my religous trauma effect my personal style. On top of that I watched the movie Jennifer's Body in 2015 or 2016 and I enjoyed it so much that it started to fuel the delusions of grandeur I was having around that time when my mental illness was absolutely off the chain!! So for someone to just stroll up on my god given twitter account and try to accuse me of jacking a name and style that is not only a personal thing I've been expressing for a long time, but also a thing a BUUUUNCH of different alt fems and cosplayers do. Let's be fucking for real.
This kinda shit is exactly why I'm staying inside this year and playing pokemon and farming sims cause what the fuck. I really wish people would just leave me the fuck alone for real. I wanna have more cute content creator friends in theory, but in reality so many of them are strange people with untreated mental health problems. And I know I'm one to talk because I'm not always the best at controlling my mental health problem but yo.....I'm fucking trying lol. Jesus christ.
On the flip side, tho, while I was looking for proof that I was succubusposting wayyyy proir to 2018 I stumbled upon my old 8tracks account which is still filled with a bunch of playlists I made and saved when I was a teenager. Even though that person accused me of gaslighting them, it truly felt like THEY were gaslighting ME and trying to tell me like I don't know my own aesthetic and style history and origins. Acting like they know all about me just because they heard what other people were saying about me. So fucking weird. But finding my old playlists was so validating because it truly showed I aint new to this shit I BEEN true to this shit. And now I'm hype to go back and listen to my old playlists. You can listen to here if you want to.
Later I'm gonna do a personal journal page in notion and layout goals for my personal projects and future streaming. Planning things gives me things to look forward to and working towards them gives me a sense of purpose!! Love that for me ~
Muah mauh muah bye for now ^w^

Read more

March 22, 2024

Feeling conflicted about hobbies and expectations

Lately I've been thinking a lot about the things that I do and why I do them... There are many things in life that I have done for a very long time because it felt like.....that's what I was expected to do or that's what other people thought I would end up doing anyways. I am starting to think a lot about how I really want to spend my time and what I really want to do and the kind of person I really want to be. Maybe I am just growing up and growing out of things I used to be into because I have more perspective on them with time. Main thing I've been feeling lately is fomo tbh. I often wish I could go back in time and some how experience a traditional college setting like in a dorm and everything. I wish I could romanticize studying and make it aesthetic and cute like people on pinterest and youtube do nowadays. I struggled so much with adhd and depression growing up..... I get so jealous of younger people and the internet they get to grow up with now. There's much more representation for black people online now too. I always wonder what kind of person I would be like if I didn't have to go through so many years hating myself and who I am because I never got to see myself in the art, fashion, aesthetics I loved growing up. I will try not to dwell on it too much and be grateful for the resources that I have now. There is still a bit of pain in my heart about it and I wish it would go away.
Still, I have been feeling a lot better though. I don't want to give up on myself and I am excited about all the new things I want to learn and try. I think I was stuck under a bell jar for a very long time, but it has finally been knocked over and now I am free. Half of me thinks being sad about all the years that went by while I was stuck underneath, the other half of me thinks it's valid and okay to cry about it. Now that I am free I wonder how high I will fly.

Read more

March 8, 2024

First Entry, New Beggining

Well this is the first entry of my digital diary... So many bad things happened last year, I wanna just throw the whole year away! I just landed a new job that pays more than I've ever gotten, though, so I'm trying to be a excited and grateful for a humble new start. This year I really want to focus on saving as much money as possible, paying off all my debt, learning new things, focusing on and completing personal projects, and putting together looks that I actually enjoy and mean something to me. I'm so grateful that I found neocities when I did. Feels like a whole new world of possibilities has been opened up for me. It's so crazy how depression can cast a brain fog on you for so long and make you forget about long terms goals you set long ago. It feels so good to have new hobbies and new goals now. I can feel myself slowly starting to feel better and go back to my old self.
I forgot just how much physical self care can uplift my emotions and overall mood so I'm gonna try to take care of myself more. I started watching "morning routine/night time routine" videos again and it has been really motivating me to start taking better care of myself again. I'm nervous about ingesting too much of that content, though, because sometime it influences me to spend too much money. I'm trying to do more research on budget skin and body care so I won't spend so much, but so much of the good quality products are so expensive ;-;. Oh well I will keep trying because I really need to save. I am still excited for my new found motivation and new beginnings.

Read more